Jane!

Hrm. I made the poor decision of deleting all my entries on my xanga. I will not make the same mistake twice! besides, i had this journal much longer --> more memories.

anyway, thanks for reading! you've been a lovely audience

chapter camp was really good.

i was telling one of the IV parents that it was really intense. i was surprised that i said that, because while i was there i felt kind of...dissappointed. Signing up for the Mark I track, i thought it was going to be this hardcore intensive study where you discuss every statement to death. but it wasn't like that at all. as a matter of fact, they were pretty "bigger picture." but this was fantastic, because i learned a lot of different things to look out for, and picked up different study tips. quite fantastic. i dug it. what was intense about the week was the sheer volume of things that took place during the week. it felt like every single moment was spent with at least one person i had the obligation, i mean opportunity to talk to. ;) no, it was really fun. i became pretty tight w. people who i never really had the chance to entirely meet. also, it's been quite some time where i was not only exerting myself intellectually (or...creatively now a days), but spiritually as well.
during the week, i was just so desperately hungry for the Word. and when i wasn't thinking about or reading the Bible, i was praying. last week i put so much of myself into God, so vulnerable. it was nuts. by the end of the week i was completely exhausted.



i feel kind of...guilty. at the end, the MC guy challenged us to not wave off people's questions of "so how was chapter camp" with a "it was fine" and then move on. he said to take that time to give glory to God, and to share what He did in my life. but when people ask me how it was, i almost want to wave it off. it's not because nothing that remarkable happened, because then that would be a lie. but i just don't know how to summarize what happened. if i were to really tell someone how the week was, i'd be talking for quite some time. it definitely is more of a sit down at a cafe and chat talk. but i haven't exactly had a real conversation since i got back. everything's either been online, or business oriented. it's sad. i feel my old life slipping back.


whatever man, ain't going to happen. that's just not possible.

~ "who am i, that you would love me so gently. who am i that you would recoginize my name. Lord who am i that you would speak to me so softly. conversation with a love most high, who am i."

I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!
I FINISHED!

whoa. I finished
i have to admit tho. it feels kind of...unsatisfying. particularly industrial design. I spent so much time and money, probably lost a lot of brain cells by inahaling all the different chemicals i had to use to make my model., spent hours working on two portfolios (one for this particular project, and the second for the previous one).......all so i can give a 15 minute presentation, and to let my professor and class speedily flip through my porfolios.

bbbbooooooo

but that's ok....there's more important things in life........

like chapter camp!! yay!!!!!
haha do not be surprised that i actually want to go. i'm still dreading the social aspect. i'm continuing to slowly coming to grips that i really just don't mesh well with the IV people (i'm not talking about my specific chapter. more like.....the large multitude of people that InterVarsity attracts) but what i'm really looking forward to are the two (or is it three?) superbly long retreats of silence and getting to immerse myself in the Word for a whole week! spiritually, things have not been going well. last night, i found myself rolling around for quite a bit, and i came to the realization that I really miss being with God.

ssoooo for all that read this (i hope there's some out there...hehehe) i have a prayer request. please pray that i will set God above my dreams, my ideals, my friends, my school work, and most of all, my ministry. Christ is supposed to be the reason, be my inspiration for everything I do. Not my own self ambition. Pray that I will return to my first love.

hope you guys have a good week ~

i've been trying to locate what draws me to certain people, what makes me want to actually go back and talk to someone again. what makes me respect someone in a way that i'll actually care what their opinion on any given subject is

i believe it's something like raw passion

passion is the most attractive trait a person can have.

so passionate, that they not only excel, but completely redefine the idea of what's "good"



-- "I'll be loving every minute, of the day that has you in it"

Today while studying for my history of design final, i was listening to a mix which included elliot smith.

I highly enjoy his music.

and at that moment i felt kind of....well i was pissed.

i didn't understand why he died, and why it happened the way it did. It was this moment where I was both compassionate and not so at the same time.

It's like i felt robbed of some experience that i would supposedly have if he were to still be alive today. but i couldn't blame him, because I have no idea what was going on in his life. but then, i just wanted to slap the back of his head and say "is it really all that bad that you couldn't just suck it up?"

grm....bleh.

i think he's also been coming to mind more so now because i've been coming across more people who listen to him now. before he was rarely mentioned. now his name is almost as common as the word "i" and "me" when i look over people's posts. maybe the lemming inside of me wants to join in on this random and peculiar wave.

"I'm never going to know you now, but I'm going to love you anyhow."

as usual, i procrastinated, which resulted in me working on my photo project late at night today. as i was there, there was one other guy, who is from my class working as well. we're both horribly shy, so conversation was at a minimum.

after a while, i commented on how the fixer and developer seemed old, and attempted to dump the developer out, but another guy had come in and needed to put his paper in. so i decided to do it later, since i had to arrage the negatives that i just recently processed.

when i got back into the dark room, the guy in my class said "i just finished mixing the developer. i still need to do the fixer." i was grateful, and said thank you. when he was done missing the fixer, he went over to his working station, cleaned up his stuff, looked at me and smiled a sheepish smile, (it was so cute!!! he's like...26 but that smile made him seem like he was 6) and walked out of the dark room.

movies i need/want to watch sometime in the near future. any takers?

city of God
Lost in Translation
Little pretty things
barbarian invasion
monster
mystic river

and on other things, i went to b&n to do some studying on saturday. naturally, i found my way to the periodicals and picked up a magazine to feed my girlish notions. i was reading this list titled "signs that he's a keeper." for some reason, several of the points made me smile. it was like i knew what they were talking about. but really, the points they were listing didn't describe a particular person that i wanted to date or anything, but they were characteristics of good friends of mine -->

- if he stops to ge a coffee for himself on his way over to your place, he picks up a cappuccino for you

- he compliments you on something that's uniquely you, like your slightly crooked smile

- he has a dog (golly polly wogs. i wonder who this could apply to?!)

- He offers you a bite of his meal

- After getting off the phone with him, you realize your cheeks hurt from the Cameron-Diaz size smile taht's been plastered on your face the whole time

- if you spill a glass of red wine or trip over your 4" heels, you care enough to be embarrassed but feel comfortable enough with him to laugh it off

- you get home at dawn because you were both blabbing so much

- you get little butterflies in your stomach just watching him walk back to your table from the restroom (ok, this one doesn't really apply to a friend. but i thought this was just so darn cute!)

ps. may i jsut say that adrien brody is one of the most charming and amazingly attractive men i have ever seen. i was watching the academy awards, and he was the guy presenting the award for best leading actress. when he walked out from the back of the stage, he had such a casual, comfortable strut. yet he wasn't trashy but ssoo classy, and the way he was talking was just so...scrumptious. *muahahaha* i've become rather fond of this particular man. ;)

*hrmp*

getting tired of responding the "how are you??" with one of the following:

stressed
really really tired
busy
please kill me so the pain can stop

so here is me, whining about how i whine too much.

*hrmph*

Straight Guy: "ppl say i look like Keanu Reeves"
Grooming Queer Guy: "really? ppl say I look like Keanu Reeves!"
Fashion Queer Guy: "well ppl say i look like ellen degeneres"

so. i was looking through my songbook and did some math. ever since i started college i have written almost 50 songs. 50! i was thinking i had only written around 25...and i was being generous. i think the saddest thing is, out of this number, i've only really shared one. and that's not even my favorite. only reason why i shared it was b.c it was one of the first songs that i had written. I've shared lines and bits of unfinished songs to an extremely select few....but they were never shared when i actually finished. sad

anyway, this got me thinking. what is the definition of "good song?"

- does it require a catchy tune?? i've been noticing that pop songs are all about the hook. everything in the song builds up to that one line that you look forward to hearing as you go through the song. It's all about the neatly packaged songs, that are pretty, fun, and horribly predictable.
- or perhaps it's the unpredictable ones that are good. after so many songs, you recognize familiar chord progressions, and before the artist finishes singing their line, you can already guess how it's going to end (musically and sadly, lyrically as well. damn those cliches) However, there are songs out there where as the artist begins singing his line, i start humming along thinking that i know how it's going to end....only to find that i was wrong. i LOVE it when songwriters prove me wrong. i love being pleasantly surprised by a tune or chord progression that doesn't initially settle well within me. it's these songs that challenge the musician within me. they teach me that being a musician is far better than being a person who is good at playing an instrument. i'm becoming tired of those "ppl who are good at playing an instrument." i'm seeing more and more that these individuals sadly tend to be the worst musicians. but this is for another time.
- lyrically, is it about writing a song that is general enough that everyone will be able to relate to it?? wording things in a way that will reach the largest audience??
- or is it not even thinking of the audience at all...and writing exactly what's on your heart. I think this is the reason why i don't share my songs w. ppl. i tend to write with this mindset, therefore i'd become completely vulnerable to anyone that read my lyrics. honestly, i think i was scared into never sharing my songs b.c when i shared that one song, the only comment i got from this particular person was "that's depressing" s/he didn't specify that being good(as in s/he understood where my pt of view was) or bad(depressing songs are bad)...but i just took it with it's natural negative connotations. and i was also discouraged, because quite honestly, i didn't mean for it to be depressing!! although admittedly, i did know what the person was talking about. but still!! ;)
- or maybe it's not the lyrics as a whole....but creating catchy phrases and using insanely passionate words. i think that's why incubus' "miss you" song was so successful (sorry, i don't really remember the title. i miss you? missing you?? whatever) i was psychotically in love with that song, and b.c of it, i claimed "utopian dream" as my all time favorite phrase. (the power of a good song makes you do strange things)

oh my...this entry has become a rather..um....long one. and i actually have a lot more to say. lol haven't really had a chance to unload my random questions/thoughts onto anyone for a while. sadly, my best friends have become the apologetics lined side by side on my bookshelf, and none of them really had anything to say about successful songs......so here i am. wondering about rather pointless things......and i should stop now while i can. the end!